The Retard War

The Retard War began on the 28th of February 2026 when the Americans bombed the spiritual leader of Shia Islam and 160 girls in an Iranian school. This was it, then. This was why the woke was put away, this was why Trump’s myriad legal challenges and court cases were mysteriously dropped. This, as ordained by God, was why Trump survived assassination. It wasn’t a “forever war”, because it wasn’t a war, it was a “special military intervention”, or a “precision strike mission”, or something.

The grand strategy was to prevent Iran from ever attaining the nuclear weapons programme that had been obliterated the previous year. As well as regime change, disarmament, and allowing Iranian women to post on OnlyFans. Soon after, the regime change section was walked back. What remained was the dedication to drag the wild-eyed mullahs and Islamo-zealots into the 21st Century and secular sophistication, at least according to God’s Chosen People and the Christian Zionists preparing for the Rapture and the world being bathed in whirling plumes of fire and death before Christ’s return.

The Retard War differed from previous sojourns into the sands of Arabia and mountains of Persia in that the post-Fukuyama End of History intellectual framing had been dispensed with entirely; instead, the Retard War ran on memes and slick edits of Hollywood franchises and HBO series. Secretary of War Pete Hegseth adopted the persona of cold technocrats from early-2000s shows such as The Bourne Identity or Tom Clancy films, but more so. It was a living, breathing pastiche of media depicting war planning decades ago, the fish finger to Baudrillard’s freshly caught cod. A copy of a depiction of a cliché based on Robert McNamara or Donald Rumsfeld.

It was no longer enough to talk matter-of-factly about assets or forces; the Retard War demanded “War-Fighters” and “Warriors”, because hyperbolic language plays better in social media algorithms.

The problem was that the Washington social media teams had entered the meme game just as the social capital of Zionism had reached rock bottom, and the general consensus online was that Israel was a warmongering lunatic state that had corrupted all of the institutions of power in America. In the face of such animosity, the greatest advocates of The Retard War simply reheated 20-year-old counter-jihad propaganda while posters online attempted a “might makes right” moral framing, thus the messaging was a gloopy porridge of both victimhood and will-to-power.

But nobody really cared.

The Retard War grand strategy was to decapitate the Iranian regime by killing an 86-year-old theocrat with cancer, in the hope that the disorganised masses would spontaneously rise up and coordinate a new government to replace the Revolutionary Republic. Alas, this plan was hampered by American and Israeli war-fighters killing any figureheads in Tehran and Donald Trump rejecting the (West’s) favourite substitute, the Shah’s son, Reza Pahlavi. Moreover, the Iranian state didn’t actually run on the whims of a Dr Evil Palpatine individual, but had a sprawling bureaucracy and civil service to keep the nation ticking over despite the bombs and assassinations.

Washington, having spent the previous month insulting, annoying, and threatening their own friends and allies in Europe over Greenland, was nevertheless somehow surprised by European reluctance to participate in the new Middle Eastern adventure. For their part, European nations feared the internal threat from the millions of restive Muslims they’d imported against the express wishes of their populations. Diversity was such a strength that geopolitical decision-making now had to consider the realities of historically insane immigration policies.

Except, of course, for the centre-right. In the weeks prior to the outbreak of the war, the British right had undergone a fierce debate in which parties such as Reform UK and the Tories tried to distance themselves from the “extreme” elements of the right who advocate mass deportations. To return Pakistanis to Pakistan was framed as unethical and inhumane. However, when the Americans and Israelis launched an unprovoked attack on a sovereign nation, such grandstanding immediately evaporated, and the British centre-right instantly demanded that we dive headlong into the conflict.

To the mainstream right, the idea of people being returned to the land of their ancestors is infinitely more abhorrent than high definition clips of little girls choking on pulverised concrete or being dragged out of rubble clutching teddy bears. The demographic apocalypse of the British Isles is for cranks and crazies.

The real adults are adopting faux Churchillian tones and feigning a grim determination to do what is necessary for Israel. Meanwhile, their deluded supporters are allowed to outsource their anger and frustration at atrocities such as the rape gangs and the pointed elbows of Britain’s expanding Islamic population. Bombs falling in Iran, which is also Islamic, allow for a sense of long overdue catharsis, and even if it’s misplaced and orchestrated for them, it’s something.

Of course, the collapse of a Middle Eastern country containing 92 million Muslims will create an unprecedented tsunami of displaced people washing up in the English Channel, and we still have a Labour government that will almost certainly settle them in the country, but who cares when we get to wrap ourselves up in WWII nostalgia and pretend to ourselves that it is 1939 all over again?

British boys from Carlisle, Dundee and Chichester may well face immolation by a Shahed drone in the arid mountains of Persia, but that’s a price worth paying to keep the most psychotic, corrupt and incompetent cretins in recent history content.

It does, however, seem to have dawned on the wider British establishment that this war is a Retard War and they’re not just looking at possible Islamic terror attacks or sleeper cells allowed in because of their own retarded and malicious refugee policies, but also to energy shortages and economic collapse. And even the Labour Party, unlike the British centre-right, isn’t stupid enough to wear that as a badge of honour.

On the broader world stage, one gets the impression that the war is the Götterdämmerung of MAGA and Trump. The betrayal is so staggering, so complete that it defies definition. It is, though, emblematic of a post-narrative, post-intellectual era in which the powerful can “just do things”; it’s just that in reality it isn’t Conan the Barbarian but a tattooed prick pretending to be Ed Harris collapsing the world so Israel can steal land and fulfil a grander project. The faux “might makes right” framing is utterly hollow because in 2026, everyone can see that the fox-like schemers and corrupters have the mighty leashed like a dog.

We can but hope that this conflict comes to a close soon. Yet, it now seems that Russia and China are shuttling money, intelligence and weapon parts into Iran because they think the Great Retarded Titan has become ensnared in his own hubris - and as always, it will be poor white boys who die.

I do not want our people to be in any way involved with this mess, and so far, we aren’t, but neither do American boys from North Carolina, Virginia, or Ohio deserve this.

We all deserve so much more than this, the most Retarded War in History.